The Dark Lord's Bank Account
by PartyPenguina3
Summary: #1 There is no surplus or deficit. There is only money, and those who are too weak to seek it... This is pure humor shooting out of Voldemort's mind. A series of short vignettes concerning the variety of things the darkest of lords hates. Part 1 of the Bank Account up!


**The Dark Lord's Bank Account**

I (the evilest and most badass wizard to have ever lived) groaned, sensing yet another Death Eater touching their dark mark. Salazar, they just never give up, do they? This has to be the third within the past two minutes.

Usually when this many calls happen, it's Bellatrix wanting to tell me about her day, or discuss the latest plot against great old DUMBledore (snicker). Oh, did I mention that usually occurs when her husband isn't at Malfoy Manor, and the conversation "needs" to take place either in a shower, in a locked bathroom, or in a locked bedroom? On the grounds that house elves are spies from another planet sent to steal our minds through eavesdropping? Oh and scandalous clothing is required to block their mind stealing powers.

And she doesn't think I've figured it out.

Yeah, Bellatrix is a clever one, I'll tell ya.

However, every single one of the recent summons had been from separate wizards. Each different wizard that requests my presence sends a slightly different... Mmm, aura when they tap their mark.

In a way, it's like having personalized ringtones for each person; it's pretty easy to tell half the people apart. They're like all the people that DON'T have Verizon: the ringtones are different enough, and still somewhat catchy, as their noise hasn't been burned into your brain by the never ending wand calls from people wanting to complain about how I killed their family members, or how they're missing their left ear (I still laugh about that every now and then), or even Severus requesting I stop mailing him shampoo on April Fool's Day.

There are three reasons I hate those calls:

#1 Severus needs to stop ruining my second favorite Muggle holiday (Halloween being my favorite, seeing as I get to kill people and steal their candy)

#2 I still haven't figured out how to Avada people via wand call

#3 I really fucking hate my ringtone.

But I digress.

That other half of people is like the people who have Verizon. They all have the EXACT SAME RINGTONE. Oh, you know the one. It's that same endless and horrible tune that you've probably heard everyday of your life.

As you can likely guess, those people that are like the "stereotypical ringtone" are very hard to tell apart when they try to summon me. There are subtle differences of course, but very very very subtle.

My personal theory on this is that they all happen to be the exact same person. I don't mean they inhabit they all inhabit the same body as each other (that's my job, although I do prefer to attach myself to heads…) I simply mean that they have the exact same personalities, as they are ALL prejudiced pureblood wizards raised in the lap of luxury that hate Mudbloods with a burning passion. There's really no difference between any of those. They're just my stereotypical lackeys, and the subtle differences between their calls likely results from the fact that while they are not identical, they're pretty damn close.

So, I closed my eyes and tried to focus on those who had just called me. Raising my hands to my forehead in the exact same manner as I had after popping out of a cauldron in Goblet of Fire (I just feel pretty cool rubbing my bald head) I brought back to mind the auras attached to each call.

Hm. The first was a stereotypical ringtone. Anger, hatred, gobs of money. None of it really identified a single person… Ah, the aura felt a bit slimy, almost as if covered in some gooey substance… hair gel. The first call was from Lucius Malfoy.

As for the second… also rather stereotypical. However, this one had an air of pain, a bit of a lunatic, and almost distaste… possibly for myself? Someone who had suffered and didn't really like me, but pretended to anyways. That could only be Rodolphus. Ha-ha, that bitch is still upset over me screwing his wife.

And then for the third. Hm, a bit less stereotypical. Not because of a difference in character, rather, a lack of it. Just a cold, metallic edge, almost symbolizing the approach of death. Well, if it isn't my favorite executioner. Macnair wanted to speak to me as well.

Unaware of which to choose first, I stood up from the log I had been resting on and looked around. Three little birds were chirping about in the tree above me.

Well that settled the matter. A contest between those annoying chirping birds would decide which one I would go to first. Whichever bird lives longest wins!

"Alright, the blue bird is Lucius, the red Macnair, and the yellow Rodolphus."

I smirked. "Get ready birdies!"

Green light shot out of my wand in every direction, virtually a continuous Avada Kedavra. Jumping from point to point, I flashed curses at all parts of the tree, hoping to have killed two of the birds by the time I finished.

After my three second attack, I surveyed the ground for the dead bodies of the birds.

Aha! There was the first: a red one. Oh, and there the second: the blue bird.

Oh… and I guess the yellow bird's dead too.

Well fuck, how am I supposed to choose who to go to? All the damn birds are dead!

Pinching the air where the bridge of my nose _should_ have been, I stopped to think. After a few seconds of serious pondering, I was interrupted by yet another wizard tapping their dark mark.

Now which one could this be? Hmmm… a slightly hair gel like feeling, along with deep-seated love for a mother, and a strange sexual fascination with a bushy haired brunette Muggle born witch?

Guess it was time to go see Draco Malfoy.

Looking back at the sad, lonely carcasses of my recently slaughtered birds, I felt a twinge of regret. No one would be around to watch my glorious exit!

Oh well. I flicked my wand, and each of the birds exploded like a colorful burning grenade just as I apparated out of sight.

Minister, you may not like me, but you've got to admit I've got style.

Arriving at the Malfoy Manor, I slipped right around the guards and strolled right up the main entrance.

The disgustingness of those terrible peacocks Lucius has prancing about on top of his hedges kills about 1/7 of my soul every time I see them. I must add hunting them to my to-do list.

The small black stone floated out of my pocket and unfolded itself.

_To-do:_

_#1 Kill Harry Potter_

_#2 Reminisce on the glories of my killings_

_#3 Figure out how to break into Hogwarts. Already failed -a giant slide and a trampoline_

And now a fourth entry -

_#4 Must kill Lucius's terrible pee-cocks_

Heh. Hurting him where it hurts would probably be pretty fun too… almost as much fun as killing peacocks.

Draco was already awaiting me in the entrance -that is, along with Macnair, Malfoy Senior, and Rodolphus.

"Well, what's the matter? You all called me here for the same thing?"

Lucius shuffled his feet uncomfortably. "Well… _we_ weren't the ones who needed you, but yes, we did call you here for the same thing. Your banker wants to speak to you."

I huffed in indignation. That banker was one of the biggest wankers I've ever met. He's sooooo lucky I haven't killed him yet, and the only reason I've been so kind is because I chopped off his nose.

I like to fit in.

Slipping through the door to the meeting room, I encountered the familiar bushy face of Mr. Trest.

Well this is going to be interesting.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**A/N: Merry Christmas!**

**This is part one of the first vignette, which focuses on Voldemort's hatred of financial matters. His beliefs on how money should be handled will pop up next chapter.**

**Not sure if I should continue this…**

**Review if you think it was funny please!**


End file.
